Life-changing Moments

Disclaimer: This post is long, be forewarned. It's more to help me get my own thoughts out. But maybe one of you will enjoy.

I love being an aunt, and I love being with children. So when my sister said that she would love to have me in the delivery room for their daughter Maggie, I was thrilled and felt very privileged. Miss Maggie's due date was January 12th, and the day came and went, and sure enough this too would be a baby that would come on their own timing. 3 days later, on Saturday morning, I got a text from my sister, "Contractions are starting, nothing regular, but definitely a contraction." So off I headed to Salem, with my night bag packed, just in case this was the real deal! And sure enough, Maryanne's contractions became regular and long enough to head to the hospital at 3:30am on Sunday. We got to the hospital, and Maryanne's contractions seemed to be getting worse. But unfortunately, when the nurse checked her she was barely a "dimple" which basically means you aren't technically in labor and should just go home. I equated this to someone running a marathon, thinking they were on mile 20, and being told they had only gone 1 mile. DEVASTATING NEWS! This was when I started praying, hard for Maryanne's delivery. My sister's body react to pain by vomiting, so she was given a very strong medication for nausea, and despite this, she would doze off due to the sedating effects of the medication, the contraction would wake her up, and then she would dry heave/vomit. This cycle would repeat itself. Again, I gave this labor over to the Lord, as it was hard to see my sister in such pain. The doctors wanted to send Maryanne home, and AJ and I didn't think we had much choice. But Maryanne continued to vomit, and I basically talked with the next nurse on shift, and thankfully they let Maryanne stay so she could at least be hydrated. This was the start of a very long labor process. With each turn through the labor, Maryanne continued to progress, and was a trooper through it all. In fact, I kept calling her a rock star. So was AJ, such a supportive and loving husband. So fast forward (though the hours didn't seem to fast forward) to about 10:40pm. Maryanne was fully dilated, and the baby was in the proper placement to be pushed out. We all knew the baby needed to come out, though we didn't think there was anything wrong with the baby. It was just that Maryanne had had a fever for a couple hours, and we didn't want any more stress to be put on Maggie. Maryanne pushed, hard, as hard as I've seen a women in labor push...and Maryanne couldn't even feel much due an extra small dose of the epidural given just a couple hours earlier. She PUSHED, Maggie crowned in about 5 contractions, then on the next contraction, Maryanne pushed and out came Maggie, everything, shoulders, body, and all. It was then, that my world and Mommy and Daddy's world suddenly felt like it was crashing down. It's hard for me to even re-live the moment. I have seen several deliveries, but Maggie was much worse than I had seen before. She was blue, limp, and there was meconium (icky baby poop) everywhere. It was hard to hold it together, to try and not scare mommy...who by the way just gone through 20 hours of labor. At first, I knew Mom and Dad didn't know anything was wrong, because they hadn't seen a vaginal delivery before (their first was through cesarean). But they quickly realized. I instantly started praying, and just kept rubbing Maryanne's leg (which later, I realize she couldn't even feel). And just kept saying, "They are just waiting for Maggie to cry." Well, little Miss Magnolia Raine didn't cry, but thankfully God was continually watching out for her, and got the proper medical care right to her and fast. She was intubated in a very short time, and oxygen levels started rising. The one thing that never failed, and I know this was due to God's touch was her little heart kept beating fast and strong.

When Maryanne saw her little baby being wheeled off, limp on the table, intubate, she lost it, just like any mother would. Maryanne's nurse prayed over us and Maryanne and I sobbed together as AJ went to be with Maggie. In every step of this horrific experience, I now look back, seeing that God had His hand comforting us though it all. Maryanne's mother-in-law, sister-in-law, and very close friend (who is now our new sister) were right outside the door and we prayed and wept together. Which reminds me of John 11:35 when Jesus Wept - only a two word verse, but I bet Jesus wept for quite some time.

I stayed at the hospital for a bit, trying to contact family, and alert people to start getting on their knees and interceding for Maggie. Maryanne and AJ were well taken care of with family and friends, so I decided at 2am to go home and try to rest before work the next day. Well, you can only imagine, I was a basket case. I tried to sleep but every time I would lay my head on the pillow, I would hear my own pulse and think it was the fetal heart monitor and the whole situation would flash before my eyes. I pretty much just pray, sobbed, pleaded, and sang worship songs all night long. I tried going to work, but was promptly sent home-who was I kidding? If I saw any patients that day, I would break down, likely make poor decisions, and the patients (if I were them) would ask for their money back. Thankfully, my job was flexible, and Tobin also had Monday and Tuesday off, so we set off for Portland to be with Maryanne and AJ and continue supporting them and Maggie.

When we arrived in Portland at OHSU, there was a nurse practitioner in the room, updating Maryanne and AJ on how Maggie was doing. And it was not good news. Initially, they had stabilized Maggie, put her on a Hypothermia Protocol to prevent further brain swelling and damage. But now Maggie was more unstable, her entire left lung was filled with meconium and collapsed, and the right lung had a pneumothorax, causing pulmonary hypertension that was 200 times greater than normal! Again we got on our knees and asked God for his mercy to heal Maggie. When Tobin and I left on Monday night, I was fearing for Maggie's life. They were basically talking about end life measures, and I've experienced adult patients that we have to use those same medications, and typically the outcome is not good. I literally got on my hands and knees beside my bed that night, and specifically asked God to keep Maggie's blood pressure stable and to get her through the night. How amazing is our God, he did just that, and the report in the morning came and basically Maggie's lungs had cleared and the pulmonary hypertension was nearly gone. Later that afternoon, AJ and I got to be with Maggie just after she was extubated! Another praise!

The Lord encouraged me with this scripture:

LORD my God, I called to you for help,

and you healed me.

You, LORD, brought me up from the realm of the dead;
you spared me from going down to the pit.

To you, LORD, I called; to the Lord I cried for mercy:

What is gained if I am silenced,

if I go down to the pit?

Will the dust praise you?

Will it proclaim your faithfulness?

Hear, LORD, and be merciful to me;

LORD, be my help.”

You turned my wailing into dancing;

you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,

that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.

LORD my God, I will praise you forever.

-from Psalms 30

I was crying to the Lord for his Mercy for Maggie. And I was trusting Him that she was going to turn my wailing into dancing. To remove my mourning clothes and be clothes with Joy. I knew God was good, good all the time, despite this devastating and hard situation.

Maggie continued to do well through Wednesday. Then Thursday morning, as Tobin and I were heading to the airport to fly out and see some of our closest friends, we were able to stop by and see Maggie at OHSU as they started rewarming her. Another victory, and praise be to God for His direction. We had to leave Maggie and get on the plane. In the air, God blessed me with a beautiful sunrise that was painting the sky behind Mt. Hood. It was amazing. At that same time, I was listening to the song called, "Indescribable." And these words brought me to tears:

From the highest of heights to the depths of the sea

Creation's revealing Your majesty
From the colors of fall to the fragrance of spring
Every creature unique in the song that it sings
All exclaiming

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God

Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go
Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow
Who imagined the sun and gives source to its light
Yet conceals it to bring us the coolness of night
None can fathom

Here I was flying several thousand feet above ground, looking out at God's amazing Creation. Which God made, and God still remembered and knew little baby Maggie, who would just be a small speck as you looked down from Heaven. God knows all the stars by name, and He knows how many hairs are on Maggie's head. Wow! Who was I to ask God, in the grand scale of His entire Creation for His lovingkindness and mercy for Maggie's life. But through God's Son Jesus Christ, we can come to this Holy, Glorious God, and ask very specific prayers, still knowing to trust in God's Plan. It kind of is like being the janitor of the White House going to the President of the United States and asking him for something specific. Obviously, the President has to think of the big picture, which may not include what that janitor needs at the time. Maybe a weak analogy, but it just puts it into perspective. I don't understand the grand plan of God, but I know His ways are good, He is Holy, and He loves me. I am always feel I understand just a glimpse of God's perspective when I fly and look out at how small building look, and then how small massive mountains look, but he still loves me personally and know me by name. He knows and hears my prayers. Wow...YOU ARE AMAZING GOD!

Tonight, I sit amazed at God's love, His goodness, and His Mercy. Tobin and I left a very difficult situation, but a healing Maggie and came to a house full of a bouncy, joyful toddler and beautiful healthy newborn baby. How this has warmed my soul. Laughter and joy has helped restore my wounded soul.

God has also reminded me of this:

¹⁴ Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” ¹⁵ When he had placed his hands on them, he went on from there.

-Matthew 19:14-15

I know God laid His hands on Maggie. Last night, Maggie at 3 days old, was finally able to be held in her Mom and Dad's arms. YOU ARE AMAZING GOD!

The journey is not over. And as my sister said, "Some of the most scary and amazing moments in my life have happened in the last 4 days. But you know what I am realizing? God had been preparing AJ and I our WHOLE lifetime journeys for these days and more to come!"

God is preparing, molding, and shaping us. And boy, quite a bit of molding went on this week, and will continue to happen. A verse that spoke to Maryanne, and surprising enough has been one of my life verses is:

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all."
2 Corinthians 4:7-9, 16-17

YOU ARE AMAZING GOD

The DeBackers with Porter feeding Maggie