Reflections

I have been wanting write for quite some time now. There are many things that have transpired in the last year that have taught me about love, trust, and faith.   So here is my writer's caveat: I have no theme, outline, or organization to this post.  I merely want this to be my own raw reflection of where God has taken me, and recognize these things as "stones" of remembrance of God's faithfulness - even when I often don't understand why.  It is not to reflect so that I may walk forward in perfection, never "having that emotion" or "doing that again."  I struggle with trying to follow a formula to achieve a certain result, and I am relinquishing that feeling I have as a "core value" almost daily, relearning and relearning it.  By God's grace, I continue to move forward, love and learn about His love, and above all else, that God be glorified in my life, and that my life and soul are anchored in Christ.

So to do that I must back up...to Titus' birth nearly 16 months ago - beautiful fast and furious delivery of one healthy boy.  I felt ready, knowing the newborn phase would be tough, but I was prepared that with a similar "methods" I used for sleeping and feeding with Esther, that by about 6 months, at least, we should be on an upswing again...well as most often it does, things went much differently than I tried to anticipate and prepare myself for.  And always with reflection, it is much easier to look back and see with thankfulness, than in the throws of the season have a beautiful, sweet, and joyful attitude.

2 weeks after Titus was born, I began to learn how different my second was going to be from my first.  First of all, Titus was a snuggly, cuddly, love bug and still is.  Oh, but there were character building things as well, that made me laugh, cry, exhausted, and into delirious mental and feelings of full physical breakdown.  As I usually write, I am pretty raw and tend to describe the physical things pretty descriptively, so if you have a sensitive stomach, don't like talking about bodily fluids, you should probably skip this blog post.

The following is a reflective list of some of the harder things...and another caveat...for sure there were blessings of a vacation with family, birthdays, visits from friends, wonderful Thanksgiving and Christmas...and the daily blessings of even breath and life and everything else, but some of the things I want to reflect and remember and also hopefully make me and you laugh at:

1. Constipation - and when I mean constipation, I mean NO POOP FOR 13-14 DAYS!!!  I think we can all say we'd be PRETTY uncomfortable when the $#*! doesn't move through for THAT long!  It is and can be "normal" thing, and I knew so, had told many parents that before, but had never lived through it.  Oh boy, am I so glad now that around 7-8months once we introduced solid food, that actually helped the problem.  I can now say that little Titus is now regular.  Praise Jesus!
   
   
   
2. Colic - Every baby has colic, but I had wondered if Titus might have pyloric stenosis (yep, the problem with knowing medical differentials, it's hard not to wonder about those differential diagnoses for your own family).  I really didn't worry about it, more thought of it as a joke.  But honestly, Titus would projectile shower over me multiple times a day.  I wasn't getting a shower often anyway, so I guess the little guy was just helping out by giving me one multiple times a day.  I remember distinctly in the middle of the night, sitting on our couch, with everything down front, back and a puddle in the lap.  I did laugh then, and then I cried.
3. Surgery - At 6 weeks, I had my check up and decided that NO we didn't want another baby at this point...so a Mirena IUD sounded like a great option.  Well, 2 days after insertion, I was picking up Titus and suddenly I felt a horrible pain in my lower abdomen that didn't go away, and found myself the following day in an emergency surgery to "explore" where that crazy thing had "migrated" to.  By God's grace, I did just fine in surgery.  I will tell you, I thought I might be all calm because I've seen surgeries, helped with them, know they are "safe" but definitely am now personally empathetic.  I was fine, right up till they were transferring me to the OR table, and boy my heart started RACING...and you could hear that beep, beep, beep, beep - of my heart rate faster and faster, and I said, "Welp, guess I can't hide my nerves from you."  I was so blessed that my OB also was my surgeon and she is and was amazing.  Dr Boyle...Kuddos to you!  Go see her if your in Corvallis; she is amazing.  After that I was on a strict weight restriction ordered to lift other more than 10lbs for 2 WEEKS!!  Umm....excuse me??  am I still on drugs?  How am I suppose to care for an 18 month and 6 week old at home with that restriction??  Thanks be to family and a niece who was 11 and homeschooled that could be a "momma's helper" we got through that.           
4. Erratic, irregular, and frankly NO SLEEP - I kept thinking, this little baby just needs to get a little older, maybe he will sleep more than 2-3 hrs at a time at 8 weeks...no...3 months...no...6 months...no...9 months...no....12 months...no... -  Even though that reflection only takes up 1 line on a computer screen....let me tell you, the minutes of NIGHT, DRAG ON like eternity.  There was beauty, tears, snuggles, LOTS of songs, and more tears.  I would often sing a worship song that has the chorus of: I need you, Oh I need You, Every hour I need You, My own Defense my Righteousness, Oh God how I need You.  Or many other songs about needing the Lord at every Hour...because without Him...honestly I don't know how I would have gotten through.                                                                          
5. Colds, colds, and more viruses - Sickness was common and even struck Titus very young at about 2months...so right in the throws of constipation and around my surgery, now we had we are all sick and can't breathe.  That also drove the erratic sleep and nursing schedules, because he needed comfort.  But added to the physical exhaustion.   I feel Titus could get a first place reward in snot rockets.                                                    
   
                                  
6. Growing toddler - amidst all this Esther was getting older too, and learning her independence...oh man for about 4 months all I could say was, "Um...she's two."  And "Dear Lord help me have wisdom to know how to react, what to do...cuz frankly...I feel I have NO IDEA what I'm doing."  For a couple weeks, I would completely turn off my phone and stay home to focus on how to work with Esther with no distractions, and I do think that was helpful.
7. Lyme "syndrome" - Right after the emergency surgery, Tobin went to Missouri for a conference.  While there he decided to go on a 10mile run on a trail around a lake.  He saw no other soul there, and after he was done he figured out why.  He looked down and though he had mud on his legs...and discovered there were thousands of nymph ticks COVERING his legs, and for several days he was still finding them all over his body.  He didn't get the classing "target rash" but a couple weeks after that incident Tobin began to have body aches, joint pain, swelling, problems with cognition - all symptoms of co-infections from lyme.  He would struggle to get out of bed, be in extreme pain to hold his kids...he had to take time off work.  It was during this time, my anxiety began to increase to a point that I had some panic attacks.  One very distinct one, I'll never forget that came on abruptly, where I literally couldn't breathe and had to lay flat the floor so I wouldn't pass out.  The Lord answered our prayers, and after about 3 months of antibiotics, diet change, rest, nutraceutical support, and LOTS of prayer, Tobin showed improvement, decreased pain, and was able to come off all that.
8. Christmas was an AMAZING time with family and friends and memories I will cherish, especially with our friends who have since moved all the way across the world.  But what I wasn't "expecting," was my Ulcerative Colitis flared again.  This means cramping stomach, bloating, and bloody BMs, often diarrhea.  Sorry...I told you I can be graphic...so either buck up, or stop reading.  I was exhausted and at a full loss of "what to do," I made appointments with the specialists to discuss going back on immune suppressant medication - something I hadn't had to do since 2008, but felt "what else is there to do in lifestyle change?"  During a week of fasting and praying that our church does each year, I fasted from electronics and prayed.  Asked for healing and direction.  And God began to move my heart.  For me that meant committing that if I were to do another elimination diet - even more "drastic" than I'd done in the past, it would need to be a heart change that this would/could be the diet I would basically stay on for life.  It was a heart-change, not a "diet change" with emphasis on eating certain foods and still eliminating others.  With all this and the support of a medical provider, I really believe what I had done was effective, because by the time I actually got in to see the specialist and have a colonoscopy all my symptoms were gone and my colonoscopy showed I was in remission of the Colitis!! I continue to walk forward in the foods I have seen are most wholesome and helpful for my body and always hold all this with hands open to the Lord who will always be faithful.  I still am daily asking the Lord to direct me.  Sometimes it seems I hear Him clearly, and many times I am just walking out what seems to agree best with my body.  The fact I even have food on the table, I am continually reminded that I should not expect it and that it is a blessing.  And I've learned many new ways of cooking vegetables that I never knew before.  8-9 servings of veggies/day is about what I average...I'm pretty sure I will be turning into broccoli or spinach soon....
9. Continued sleep deprivation causing emotion lability, undependable mental capacities, flat out CRANKY moodiness, tension and frustration - I couldn't think, was crying all the time, saying and truly believing and feeling that "I'm that crazy,"  "When should I be admitted?"  "Is this really worth it?"  honestly, there isn't many thoughts that I haven't thought or even considered.  I start feeling like I must be "doing" something wrong, and life starts to feel hopeless.  Clinically, I know I'd diagnose myself with Postpartum Depression and even consider prescribing myself medication....if I were someone else with the same symptoms I would suggest medication...but I kept forging on, thinking, "when this...it'll get better."  I write these things because I know others feel this way, other moms, and it helps my own mental thoughts that, "it's ok, if I'm not ok."  I wasn't, haven't been ok, and I thought that was really bad, and that because of my struggles - especially since I am a professing Christian - that God didn't love or accept me the same way He accepts those that don't struggle with this, and that would sink me further.  Dark, dark thoughts and emotions sometimes that were so overwhelming...hard.  This is hard to write, but again raw truth - there were times I would verbally threaten that it wasn't worth it, that it would be best for everyone else if I wasn't around causing such hurt and sadness.  I did reach out and I felt some understood, but it was hard when I felt I would try to reach out and I wasn't understood, or my deep feelings would discounted or glossed over.  I still feel this is a very real struggle at times, but with better sleep, rest, and honesty with others, I do see and believe God is healing these places of sadness and sorrow for me.                                                  
10. Very close friends basically family moved onto the mission field.  Beautiful and hard intertwined.  
11. Titus just started to get closer to sleeping through the night, not needing to nurse as often, not waking up screaming as often around 11 months.  Nearly just a few days later it felt, God had another plan and "unexpected," that I would learn A LOT of trust and love through.  Tobin and I were at work, when we were called by our babysitter that Titus burnt his hand.  He had crawled over to our in wall gas fireplace, stood up and because he couldn't walk he put his hand on the glass of the fireplace and "got stuck" there for several seconds.  An admission to the Burn Center in Portland; daily dressing changes that were painful; heartbreak for loss of function to that hand; but a boy that really pushed through it all with a pretty good attitude, but not sleeping well--understandably; doctors appointments; long drives to Portland which also required babysitter coordination for Esther or other family to drive long distances; skin graft surgery; and long phone calls to insurance companies to fight for better medical coverage since it was all out-of-network. 
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    

...And you know what....God was faithful through all of it...He has gotten us through it all and I am really beginning to believe that more and more deeply.

I'm just trying to process and get out what has been running through my head over and over.  I do know there is healing and freedom, and feeling that this may be part of that process, to account for all that has happened and see His Grace in all of it.

Going back to Fall 2014, I had started this blog post as a draft right after my emergency surgery:
I write these words to get my thoughts on paper, to mainly remind me of what God has spoken or done in my life.  But I also know it is important for us to share those thoughts and testimonies of what God has done with others.  I feel I have so many thoughts and new perspectives, that if I don't write it down, I'll forget most of it as I get "busy" - between the changing poopy diapers, nursing, sleepless nights, washing dishes and laundry, and keeping up with a toddler.

This post is titled, "What a difference a day makes."  And I have learned that oh, so very well.  None of us know when emergencies will strike.  And so many of us - particularly myself included - spend a lot of our time, worrying about, fretting, planning for - that emergency to happen.  Often it doesn't, and when it does you still never expect it.  And even when your fears become "reality," all that "worrying, fretting, planning" prior to the event, doesn't help alleviate the shock.  The only rock and anchor that can be sure and steadfast is that Christ is with me and loves me.

This last week, I had an IUD placed on Wednesday, and on Thursday night I felt some pains that weren't quite normal.  Friday morning, I woke up.  Our families plan for the day was to get a fasting lab test that is required for our medical insurance, then get some yummy breakfast (we were going to get gluten free cinnamon rolls...yummy!), and then head out to the coast to pick up raw tuna so we could bring it home to can.  Those were our plans.  God had different plans.  Because of that odd pain, I decided to try and get in touch with my doctor, to see if she might want to see me before we left town - to reassure me everything was fine.  Well, I went to see her.  We found out the IUD wasn't were it was suppose to be.  Instead of inside my uterus, it had decided to go on a little trip and go through the uterus into my abdominal cavity.  Instead, of going to the coast, I was headed to surgery in a few hours to remove it.  As I was sitting waiting for the news from the ultrasound test that would determine where the IUD was.  I was reading this devotion from Jesus Calling, Aug 29: Demonstrate your trust in me by sitting quietly in My Presence.  Put aside all that is waiting to be done, and refuse to worry about anything.  By waiting with Me before you begin the day's activities, you proclaim the reality of My living Presence.
How appropriate while I awaited results that would drastically change the plans of my day.

Luke 12:22-25: Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear...Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them.  And much more valuable you are than bird! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"

I never posted that as I never finished writing, because things like laundry, feeding mouths, paying bills, work, sleep, and the like were more pressing than reflecting and writing.  But God is giving me time now for reflection, for which I am again thankful.

These are the things that have been going on in my life.  We all have different events, stories, and testimonies, and this is my testimony for this past year...God HAS brought me through and is still with me.  There have been moments when I am unsure if that is really true.  I doubt my salvation or that I really am a daughter of the King.  At times, I was praying, "Dear Lord, please help my unbelief."  The concepts of "God's Unfailing, Never Giving Up, Always and Forever Love," none of us can fully grasp.  But with His Grace - another concept I know I only grasp only a fraction of - I will continue to learn and grow.   He LOVES US!  He loves me, oh yes, He....really...LOVES....me - accepting that just like my sweet daughter and son trust that I love them, is how I accept His love - It is just a fact.  Whether I feel it or not, it is a fact, and I can always come back to Him.

"We who have fled to take hold of the hope set before us may be greatly encouraged.  We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure"  Hebrews 6:18-19

Ok...if I don't post this now it may never happen.  there may be mistakes in this, typos, but that's ok and I'm really allowing myself to be ok with that.  I have God's love in me.  I am His Daughter.  My Anchor continues to sink deeper and deeper into Christ - the firm and secure place to be anchored.