Mediocrity

Today, I am feeling less than mediocre. Do you ever feel like you work harder than ever to do things correctly, but in the end you found your intentions, accuracy, and hard work to be for naught. I feel that I have a strong work ethic and try to be a witness within my work place, but recently, I feel that I will make poor decisions, my documentation could have been better, and I keep missing things that seem like work tasks but in essence are critical to the way my work role functions. For instance, today was suppose to be a nice relaxing day off, and now has become more stressful because I found out that I missed documenting and submitting encounter charges from patients I saw in September! And wouldn't you know that all documentation from that was either accidentally saved over, or I have already gotten rid of sheets from that day. So this morning was spent scouring my records, emails, and loose papers, but all for naught - therefore feelings of me just being mediocre and continually messing things up. I know I cannot be perfect, but I have been continually doing things by routine to make sure things are missed. It's disappointing when you see that fail. I am not looking for sympathy, I don't know what I'm looking for, but I felt writing about it might help.

Just recently, I was also going through an old email file, and came upon an email from a very good friend from nursing school. Reading this reminds me that even though the problem I mentioned above seemed enormous and makes me want to crawl into a hole and quit, I realize how selfish and self-centered I can become. This letter below was written April 2008:

Dear friends and family,

I apologize that some of you will be hearing this news for the first time through email, but it seemed daunting to reach everyone by phone. For those of you who have already heard the news through others or from me, I apologize for the redundancy – I just created one distribution list for this and future emails.

A painful lesion developed on the side of my tongue a little over a year ago. A biopsy at that time was negative for cancer, but the lesion did not go away. After ineffective medication therapy, an excisional biopsy was performed a couple of weeks ago to remove the lesion and confirm the previous benign diagnosis. Unfortunately, last Friday, I was diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma of the tongue. This is rare for men my age. It has traditionally been found primarily in smokers and heavy drinkers over the age of 50, but apparently the diagnosis is on the rise in younger people without those risk factors.

I am scheduled to see a head and neck surgeon at Vanderbilt on May 8^th at 4pm to begin the process of staging the cancer, which will determine its severity. So, I cannot give a lot of details concerning my treatment at this time. Whether or not I will need surgery only, surgery and radiation, or radiation and chemotherapy depends on the stage.

I know some of you have been concerned as to whether or not I feel okay. I’m running in the Country Music ½ Marathon this weekend, and unless my treatment schedule absolutely prevents it, I plan on running the Rock ‘n Roll Marathon in San Diego as planned on June 1^st (and, more importantly, meeting my youngest niece, Miss Olivia Tafao). In other words, I feel fine – I’m not sick. Actually, my tongue feels better than it has in a year due to the recent surgery – just sore now. Chewing without pain is definitely underrated. J Now, we just have to take care of this cancer thing.

This cancer is now a part of my story, and I trust God is in complete control of how the story will unfold. God doesn’t promise us perfect lives, but He does promise us (in Deuteronomy 31:8) that He Himself will go before us and be with us. He will never leave us or forsake us. I’m so glad those aren’t empty promises!

It’s tempting to ask, “Why?” at times like this, but I believe God has already answered that question. We are told in scripture that our ultimate purpose is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. If my life’s purpose is to glorify Him, then the purpose of this cancer is to glorify Him as well. Therefore, I trust that He will indeed be glorified through this process. And, if so, it will be most worthwhile.

I realize I may see rough days, but God knew the details of today and all those that lie ahead long before I was ever born. He will not be caught off guard. I know that [He] can do all things; no plan of [His] can be thwarted. (Job 42:2) How amazing it is to realize that we serve a living God, the creator of the universe! I am comforted that He will see me through any challenges I may face.

Even more amazing is the truth that He has invited us into a personal relationship with Him through the sacrificial death of His only son, Jesus Christ. For all of you who have a relationship with Jesus already, don’t let even one day pass without cultivating it further. If we fail in this area, we have wasted precious time.

And, for any of you who have not entered into a relationship with Jesus, don’t be deceived. We are not a cosmic accident. We are the intelligent design of an intelligent, loving-kind and unchanging creator. We were separated from God by our sin, but Jesus closed that chasm through His death on the cross. He longs for a relationship with all of us, but will not force it. He gives salvation from sin (and eternal life with Him) to anyone who is willing to follow Him. I know all this might sound far-fetched if you are skeptical. If so, I’d love to attempt to explain it further. Don’t write off Jesus because of the many failures of those who claim to follow Him. Discover the Man Himself before you make your decision. John 3 and Romans 10 are great places to start. Done preaching … for now. J

Thank you to all of you who have been praying for and encouraging me and my immediate family. The support has been incredible already, and I am grateful. I am so richly blessed to have such unbelievable immediate and extended family and friends. I love you all and will try to keep you updated. Feel free to forward this to others.

Blessings,

Daniel

Daniel passed away just a short 6 months later, not once doubting the Lord, but always always trusting God had a plan, and whatever situations, illnesses, or healing God had in store, Daniel trusted and walked daily with that hope! I guess my shortcomings are just a reminder that I am not perfect, and it's how I react and deal with those situations that becomes my witness, not whether I'm perfect to begin with. This morning, I didn't do a very good job, but I will take that mistake, learn from it, and continually strive for improvement. It's funny because in high school, I was always the one to receive the "Best Improvement" award in Sports...that was because I was so bad, clumsy, and unskilled to begin with; anything would be an improvement! My carnal nature, wishes I could just be like those individuals who always have a natural tendency to be amazing at whatever they do, but that is not what God wants for me. Looking at the big picture, I see that God wants me to depend on Him, and not just think I can reach perfection, if I have all my ducks aligned. Definitely not the case. In light also of things going on in this world, earthquakes, tsunamis, flooding, droughts, famine, suffering, wars, my daily shortcomings are important, but not "world-ending." I pray that I won't get caught up with myself in the day to day things, but will look to Christ as He is my joy, my strength, and my All.

I'm reminded of a hymn that speaks volumes to this very concept:

1. When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
   When sorrows like sea billows roll;
   Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
   It is well, it is well, with my soul.
2. Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
   Let this blest assurance control,
   That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
   And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
3. My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
   My sin, not in part but the whole,
   Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
   Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
4. But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
   The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
   Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
   Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!
5. And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
   The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
   The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
   Even so, it is well with my soul.

Here's to a better morning, with a better perspective!